Homey G

Oh my job....

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 19:29:39 GMT

Since Monday I have:

-been told to go to hell
-been called a fucking son of a bitch
-said i was a pitiful excuse of a human being
-been called a scam artist
-was told i am going to be sued
-and have been called various other heinous things

OH I LOVE MY JOB

AHH

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 17:04:06 GMT

AHH!!! I just got off the phone with Emily and I heard some tragic news.... The kid that I have oogling for forever now from Cafe Coco was apparently there last night!!! AND WHERE WAS I!?!?? ASLEEP BY 9:30!!!

Oh well... I just guess this means that I am going to have to continue going to Cafe Coco... sit in the corner... drink coffee... and make it look like I am reading Les Miserables while looking like a pretentious fuck. Hopefully my plan will work and I will be able to pick up someone and be bold enough to ask them out on a date!!!! And I am keeping my fingers cross that it is hot kid who makes me all nervous every time I see this kid!!!!

CLUBBIN

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 16:52:53 GMT

Alright so Emily and I went shoppin in order to be prepared for this evening:

After finding:
1 Bottle of Hair Gel
2 Little Kids' Shirts
2 Pairs of Womens Pants
2 Pairs of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Underwear
1 Pair of Red Underwear

Now all I need to do is get my haircut and I will be ready to go out tonight. It is going to be uber amounts of craziness!!!! Hopefully the kid from the coffee shop will be there... I really want to go up and talk to this kid but unfortunately I get too nervous and shy every single time. UGH... damn these emotions that make one feel shy and unable to even go up and introduce yourself to someone!!! But it is going to be a crazy night of debauchery with Emily and Rachel this evening.

Mail or Street?

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 16:03:39 GMT

Alright heffers let's discuss..... these customers need to mail in a copy of their cancellation form to our office. But unfortunately, they get really confused when they see that there is a Street Address and a Mailing Address. This is how the typical conversation goes:

Me: Alrighty ma'am, now I am going to need you to mail your cancellation form to the MAILING ADDRESS. The P.O. Box in Nashville. Do you see that ma'am?
Customer: Uh huh.
Me: Once we receive that we will be happy to send you a full refund.
Customer: Wait wait!!! I have two addresses here... a street address and a mailing address. Which would you like me to mail this to?

Inside my head: BITCH!!! YOU UH-HUHed STATING YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!! WE WENT OVER THIS!!! DO NOT UH-HUH UNLESS YOU MEAN IT!!! SECONDLY, ARE YOU STREETING ANYTHING?!?! NO HEFFER... YOU ARE MAILING... MAILING ADDRESS DUMB HEFFER!!! I HATE YOU!!!!

Run Away

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 04:24:35 GMT

Wow... lately I have just been having this feeling of running away. It is this uncontrollable yearning to just get in my car and drive.. as far as I can to who knows where. I can't explain this feeling though since I don't really have anything to run away from. Things are great here and there are no complaints coming from me. But I just want to go and explore, get lost, and have all new adventures which I have never experienced before. But more than anything, the idea of lying in a vast open field - in the middle of no where - and just gaze up into the stars keeps revolving inside my head. And each day I sit in my office, staring out the window, and watch the planes take off from the airport. I just wonder where they are going and yearn to be on one. I couldn't care less where it lands.. just anywhere.
But alas, my daydreams are always broken with the monotonous tone of the six inch by six inch piece of plastic on my desk begging to be answered, quickly followed by a screaming heffer who has missed her morning graze.

..... sigh

Friday Evening

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 01:15:39 GMT

So on Friday, Natalie calls me up and invites me to her friend's party. At first I am a bit hesitant and think... oh I don't know if I should go... for good reason too.... Natalie lives in Atlanta. But after about a minute of telling me that I need to come I fold... hardcore. Hop in my car to begin the 3.5 hour commute to Atlanta. Unfortunately they closed the interstate in Chattanooga and I had to come back to Nashville. But one of these days... Hotlanta is going to get a taste of Graham.

Work Thus Far

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 01:13:32 GMT

Alright... so I have decided to use this space to share the many wonderful comments I receive from the customers that call me. Incase you are unaware, I work as a customer representative at a publishing company and on a daily basis get screamed at by several customers. I rather enjoy it... but that is because I am a callous bastard and never really mind having people scream at me.

Now the way it works is college students go door to door selling books trying to raise money for college tuiton. Now this means that if a customer wants to cancel their order they call me up in the office and I take care of that. But of course people like to give you a reason as to why they are cancelling... adn let me tell you... I could not give a rat's ass.

Top Excuses for Summer 2004:
1. I need to cancel my order. My babies' daddies have stopped paying child support!!!

(I do not believe that the phrase Baby's Daddy should ever be plural)

2. I NEED TO CANCEL MY ORDER BECAUSE I WAS DRUNK WHEN I MADE IT!!!!

So Far in 2005:

1.
Customer: I want to complain about this college student.
Me: Alright ma'am what are your concerns?
Customer: He opened my door.
Me: To your house?
Customer: NO!!! HE OPENED MY SCREEN DOOR?
Me: Oh. Wait. Just the screen door? Did he open up the actual door to yor house?
Customer: No!!! BUT HE COULD HAVE?
Me: But did he?
Customer: NO!!! BUT HE COULD HAVE THAT IS THE WHOLE PROBLEM!!!
Me: Well ma'am I don't see the problem. Could have and did are two very different things.
Customer: ---- insert a vast amount of expletives ---

2. Me: Alrighty ma'am we have your order officially cancelled.
Customer: Can you call up the college student and let him know how pissed I am that he came to my door.
Me: Yes ma'am I can do that.
Customer: And tell that mother fucker that I hate him and I never want to see his ugly mug around here ever again. A
Me: Well ma'am I won't tell him that verbatim but I will let him know that you were upset.
Customer: Damnit!!! LET HIM KNOW VERBATIM! And make him feel real bad too. A few days ago I was running track with my kids and I tore the tendoins in my heel. Tell him that was his fault. Tell him now that I am hopping in crutches lookin like a real babe!!! YOU DO THAT... TELL THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!!
Me: ----insert awkward silence -----

FOURTH OF JULY!!!

Mon, 05 Jul 2004 07:07:11 GMT

So let's discuss how on the Fourth of July yet another duct tape thong was made for Graham!!! Oh Virginia... how I heart thee for being able to make me such a wonderful thong. And please let's note... how Graham wore this thong AND ONLY this thong around the party danced a little and had a rockin time... all while completely sober. Can we please take note of that. OH OH... and let's not forget the pictures that were taken while this was all going on. Thank you I would just like to make that note very clear... SOBER!!!!

Aww Skeet Skeet

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 21:19:57 GMT

Oh man... hitting up DC and Charlottesville weekend of JULY 9... ready to see all my UVa kids again... wicked boner!!!

KIDNAPPED!!!

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 00:02:06 GMT

So apparently I am being kidnapped and being taken to Memphis this weekend... HOLLA... be back Sunday evening... yall better miss me tons!!!!

THE ZOO

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 15:08:18 GMT

Oh man I forgot my book at home so I thought this was going to be an extra boring day...checking out what time it is throughout the world and wondering where it is 4:30 around the world. But sadly you can only do that for so long... and then hope.... I FOUND OUT YOU CAN WATCH THE ANIMALS LIVE AT THE NATIONAL ZOO IN DC!!!! I AM WATCHING THE DAMN PANDA EAT!!!! AND I HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE ELEPHANTS AND THE GIRAFFES... OH MAN BONER!!!!!

Mon, 31 May 2004 21:28:15 GMT

You know... if I were in Nashville I would only have three minutes left of work... OH OH WAIT... I DO LIVE IN NASHVILLE.. AND THAT MEANS I ONLY HAVE THREE MINUTES LEFT OF WORK... BONER

Mon, 31 May 2004 20:23:17 GMT

IF I were on the East Coast... I would be done with work in eight minutes... SIGH

Mon, 31 May 2004 19:33:57 GMT

If I were in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil... I would be done by now.

Mon, 31 May 2004 18:11:43 GMT

If I were in Fernando de Noronha, Brazil I would only have nineteen more minutes left of work.

Mon, 31 May 2004 16:22:21 GMT

Did you know... if I were in Ittoqqortoormiit, Nerlerit Inaat (which is apparently near Greenland) I would only have nine minutes left of work.

Mon, 31 May 2004 14:24:12 GMT

You know... if I were in Germany right now... I would only have seven more minutes of work!!!!

HMM...

Fri, 28 May 2004 00:51:05 GMT

Ya know... for a man who has unlimited access to the National Transportation Bureau you would think Bush would do a better job in researching what the rush hour patterns are for Nashville that way he won't commute and shut down the streets that I would like to use when getting home...

CONGRATULATIONS

Wed, 19 May 2004 05:03:21 GMT

To all my homies and to the Class of 2004.... CONGRATULATIONS AND THE BEST OF LUCK WITH WHATEVER PATH YALL CHOOSE!!!!!

P.S. Great job on no one tripping tonight... rather impressive.

The world is changing!!!

Mon, 17 May 2004 03:23:26 GMT

WOO HOO!!! IN THIRTY EIGHT MINUTES THE UNITED STATES IS ABOUT TO CHANGE TOWARDS A BETTER MORE OPEN MINDED ATMOSPHERE!!!! MAY 17... LEGALIZED SAME SEX MARRIAGES IN MASSACHUSETTS!!!!!

My Father Thinks I am a Dumbass

Sun, 16 May 2004 23:54:51 GMT

So for the past few weeks my Dad has been asking around trying to find me a job for the summer. And one of his friends said that he might be able to hire me to lay bricks and what not. So the other day he had me come in asked if I had any problems working outside (ie heat, humidity, bugs)... and well when he asked about the bugs I instantly thought of the cicadas that are coming and I remember how gross and disgusting they were. And I told him if it would be possible to take those few weeks off in which the Cicadas would be out because I am highly terrified of them. ***insert extremely awkward pause here*** And well he just looks at me and asked if I was being serious and I told him yes... and he goes.... "Well hmm... this might not be the best choice for you this summer due to the invasion... how about you try next summer after all the bugs are gone." I went home my dad asked me how the interview went and when I told him I was defeated by bugs he just dug his head in shame in his hands and was in utter disbelief that his son was such a dumbass. But never fear... I might have another job where I go around the city collecting urine samples for drug tests... now that sounds classy.

Interesting Facts about our Trip to Memphis

Sun, 16 May 2004 23:49:29 GMT

-We had no idea as to why we were going
-We had no idea where we were going and what exactly the weather was like (which by the way was rainy and overcast)
-We did make it into Arkansas- which has wooden handles on the coolers within truckstops- and we all bought shot glasses
-Graham mooned three trucks
-28 state license plates were spotted
-Two dead opossums, one dead butterfly, one dead deer, one dead armadillo, one dead truck, and one dead car along with eight unidentifiable objects were found on the interestate
-Three people ended up getting naked in the backseat to due some ass whoopin in the game Padiddle by James and Cat in the front seat
-Apparently the ducks at the Peabody Hotel are a big thing... because the crowd was so large we didn't see them.
-Leslie and Graham cannot go more than three hours without eating
-Micah put his pants on James' head and told James to get out of his pants
-Bucksnort, Tennessee is by far our favorite place
-Rocky Top definitely needed to be sung when we entered into Tennessee from Arkansas
-And finally... we all made animal noises when going over the Duck River, The Deer River, and the Wolf River... because that is by far extremely necessary.

Memphis, Tennessee

Sun, 16 May 2004 23:42:51 GMT

So on Tuesday evening I was talking to Micah Cat and Leslie and we all decided that we needed to go on a roadtrip before the four of us began to work. We had a few days of just sitting around doing absolutely nothing and so we thought we should blow this popstand... but we had absolutely no idea where to go. We did some mapquesting and looked at all the cities around us and we decided to choose Memphis.... because why wouldn't we. So we decided to head out on Friday morning and make our way over to West Tennessee.

So on Thursday we all met up to plan what all we were going to do the next day... that meeting was a bust by the way because we are all kids who get distracted rather easily by shiny objects so at least we were able to settle on a time to leave the next day... seven in the morning. And we also found out that James was going to join us too!!! The plan was for everyone to spend the night at Micah's and then all get up and leave the next day. Well I forgot my stuff at my house so Cat and I decided to head out to Bellevue to pick them up. Well we get a call from Emily and Rachel and they tell us to stop by Cafe Cocoa which we do and I was having a job interview coming up that requires a drug test and I was a little nervous about it. So Rachel got an instant drug test from her work and we proceeded to check my urine in the middle of the bathroom in Cafe Cocoa... we would have a few interruptions here and there because apparently other people decided they needed to pee too... so here we are with a cup full of piss in the middle of the cafe. Afterwards Cat and I made it out to Bellevue and in the middle of the road we found a snake. So we pull the car around not once... but TWICE to poke things at it to see it move. Well here are throwing shit at it and it doesnt move and we are not sure if it is dead or alive and then we finally came to the conclusion that it is probably a rubber snake and there is some kid laughing his ass off in the house right by laughing at the dumbass college students. So after that excursion we made it to Micah's house three hours later.

We all get up at seven in the morning... notice our plan was to leave at seven in the morning. We had a few mishaps by not waking up people not having money confusion as to where we were and what we were doing and stopping by Cat's house to let her cat outside due to paint fumes within the house. So after all this time we get on the road at 9:30.... with of course no idea what the weather is like, no map, and absolutely no idea where to go except west on I-40.

Well we instantly begin playing road trip games... Leslie and I decided to keep a tally of absolutely everything during these games in order to make the ride more enjoyable. We counted the number of out of state license plates, number of counties we drove through, number of county license plates, how many trucks we were able to get to honk at us and how many times we had to moon trucks for not honking at us, and then how many dead things we see on the side of the interstate, and of course the notorious game of padiddle where everytime you see a car with only one headlight somebody ends up taking an article of clothing off. Everytime we saw a car with a new state on its license plate we would all scream and yell with excitement towards the person for living someplace new. And we would throw our hands in the air and yell each time we entered a new county. We stopped at Bucksnort, Tennessee for a little bit to take pictures of the town with the ridiculous name and all decided we needed matching shot glasses. Our morale was low at that point thinking that we would never make it... but we kept going. And after 200 miles of driving, 28 different state license plates, 19 county license plates, 18 counties to drive through, six trucks who honked at us, three trucks mooned, two dead oposums, one dead butterfly, one dead deer, one armadillo, one dead car and truck, and eight unidentifiable dead objects, and three naked people in the back seat... we made it to Memphis.

From there we walked around downtown, went to the National Civil Rights Museum... hauled ass up to the Peabody Hotel to watch some ducks walk down a red carpet, skeedaddled over to the closed Mud Island Monorail, listened to some music on Beale Street, had an absolutely orgasmic dessert, bought silly and ridiculous sunglasses, and just had an overall amazing time we began to head back to Nashville.

But before we headed back we decided to cross the Mississippi and go into Arkansas. We were treating it like a whole new world... we pulled up to a truck stop and all got out and were amazed that they had wooden handles on the coolers within the truck stop. We had to get a picture with it. And we all bought shot glasses in order to commemorate our trip into a whole new state. On our way back into Tennessee we threw our hands in the air and began screaming and once inside Tennessee we all joined together to sing the most horrendous version of Rocky Top one could ever possibly imagine.

And before we left we stopped by a store that was called "Y NOT" and took a picture... because everytime somebody asked us... "So tell me again... WHY ARE YOU GOING TO MEMPHIS...." We would just all have to same response... "Why Not?!?!"

Summer 2004

Sun, 16 May 2004 23:16:46 GMT

Alright so summer is off to an amazing start thus far. I have spent an unfathomable amount of hours at Bongo Java, a small liberal chill coffee shop here in Nashville. I have seen some people, not as many as I would have liked but then again I have absolutley no idea who is in town. And it has just been incredible thus far. On Monday night a few of us, Cat, Josh, Micah, Leslie, and Ashley went over to Micah's house to go mudwrestling. It was a lot of fun. I was taking Josh and it began to lightning and I told him not to believe in lightning because then it cannot hurt you. I don't think he bought that but I surely did. So we all crazy amount of muddy and sandy because yes we decided to pick the baseball diamond at the local school as our mud of choice. So it was extremely gritty and overall just downright nasty. But it was great and then of course, since I am around, naked time was brought up and Micah goes, "I'll get naked if Graham gets naked!!!" So being the guillible little thing that I am immediately strip down and go mudsliding naked only to turn around and see that I am in the only fool with absolutely no clothes on!!! I was tricked into my nakedness and I don't know exactly what to think of that.

Miranda and Cat came over to watch Love Actually. All I have to say is... BONER!!! That movie is amazing and with such great company... double boner. I could hardly control myself. It was great to see those two again.

Let's see what else has gone on... I saw Leah and Kelsie Drew and Sasha and a group of us played truth or dare... yes we have become twelve years old again. I ended up taking a dare and had to sit naked on Micah's floor. There were definitely sweat marks on that hardwood floor.

And last night I met my sugar baby mamas.... Rachel and Emily and we went to a belly dancing concert. That was really cool to go see. I have no idea how we found out about it but we ended up going and that is all that matters. We are in the process of researching where we can belly dance. I hope it works out that we all actually belly dance together because I mean really... we all know the three of us can shake it and break it.... WOO HOO!!! Well aight I am going to head out. Peace.

Memphis, TN

Thu, 13 May 2004 00:17:03 GMT

So a few of us have just decided that we are going to head to Memphis on Friday for a little day trip because I mean really what else would we do. We all discuss each night how bored we are and how we can't think of anything to do and how we have to find jobs and blah blah blah... so we are just going to hop to Memphis and figure out what the hell there is to do out there. We were trying to figure out what cities were around us... Louisville, Atlanta, Birmingham, and the Smokey Mountains... and we finally decided on Memphis to head to. Hopefully we can all agree on stuff to do and it better not rain like it has been every single day thus far!!! WOO HOO... WALKING IN MEMPHIS... THAT REMINDS ME... I BETTER BUY A PAIR OF BLUE SUEDE SHOES!!!!